“Nacho Loco does not begin to explain the evil you have wrought on this day.”
From the desk of Irene Rosenfeld
Chairperson & CEO of Kraft Foods
To: Matthew K & Brian Goodheart
Senior Flavor Innoventors
Thank you kindly for your repeated letters and free samples. Your unwavering belief in your creation knows no hurdles. How did you get my home address, by the way?
Currently, Kraft Foods has no formal submission policy for new products, but I felt it necessary to personally respond to your endless stream of messages regarding your Nacho Loco. A beverage that “sports a robust barrage of flavors achieved by combining cheese and liquor” can only be described as truly original.
I had my assistant sample your product and she told me it was unlike anything she had ever tasted. I’m not sure if she meant it as a compliment but I suspect you’ll take it as such. It is a true tribute to chemistry that you’ve managed to produce a dairy drink that will not spoil during it’s travels through the US Postal Service. However, I am afraid we will not be pursuing a partnership with you to market Nacho Loco at this time.
While I agree “there is a gaping hole in the American marketplace for a thick and creamy cheese-based cocktail”, I feel the product is not in line with the family friendly values this company has spent the last 50 years proudly cultivating. Might I suggest you contact one of the more risqué cheese manufacturers with your idea? I’m told Sargento recently introduced a “pepper jack”-flavored cheese product that is selling quite well on college campuses. Tell Lou Gentine that I said he could have this one.
Perhaps in the future, the American palette will grow to appreciate your distinct and original property. Until then, I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors and pending lawsuits.
Party Tip: Please remove our branding from any and all of your promotional materials.
Brian: “You got your cheese in my tequila!”
Matt: “You got your tequila in my cheese!”