A Year Under The Influence

A recipe book for disaster

"We can serve you an Codename: Hush Hush, but then we’d have to kill you.”Codename: Hush HushStatus: AbandonedResult: Drunken FailureReport: Debriefing
In the early 2000’s, a Top Secret mission was launched by a clandestine international alcohol consortium to secure new trading rights in foreign lands. Two operatives, both highly-trained and highly-committable individuals, were tasked as point men, leading the mission’s insertion wing. Their Mission: assess a target’s alcohol reserves and  consumption abilities; relay the intelligence back to command; and come  in from the cold once the target was incapacitated under a table. For  two months, the operatives were ruthless, efficient and won a string of  drinking contests, but then contact was lost. Their whereabouts remain unknown. An official inquiry was inconclusive. Their last  transmissions are reprinted below.
03/03/2004 - 1222 hours, Phone call originating from San Diego, CA
HQ: “Hello, this is Mother.”Operative 1: “Hello Mother, this is your son. I’m going to be late for DINNER.”HQ: “I don’t understand. Satellites show you’re with the target.”Operative 2: (background) “John! Another round for everyone!”Operative 1: “What do you care? When have you EVER cared?!”HQ: “Is this line secure?”Operative 1: “I’m going to tell you a secret I should have told you years ago…”Operative 2: (background) “Sure I’ll kiss your baby, ma’am.”Operative 1: “You always loved Agent Rutlidge more! I’m sick and tired of getting his hand-me-down spy gear!”HQ: “But you always liked that black turtle neck.”Operative 1: “I want to talk to Father. I know he’s there. He’s ALWAYS THERE.”Operative 2: (background) “John! Another round for everyone! This one’s on the Kremlin!”HQ: “Is this line secure?”Operative 1: “Don’t you trust me? Why don’t you trust me?!”HQ: “Is this line secure?”Operative 1: “Ugh, YES! Unlike some people, John doesn’t listen to all of my phone calls!”HQ: “This call is terminated.”
03/03/2004 - 1236 hours, Phone call originating from Tijuana, Mexico
HQ: “Hello, this is Mother.”Operative 2: (background) “Carlos! Another round for everyone!”Operative 1: “The black bird flies at midnight.”HQ: “Repeat transmission.”Operative 1: “The black bird flies at midnight.”HQ: “I don’t understand.”Operative 2: (background) “SPRING BREAK! Carlos! Another round!”…HQ: “Repeat transmission.”Operative 1: [snickering] “The black bird flies up your midnight black [inaudible].”Operative 2: (background) “Ooh! A donkey show! I’ve only seen these in movies!”HQ: “This call is terminated.”
Party Tip: DO NOT serve at high class galas attended by billionaires, visiting dignitaries and megalomaniacal geniuses bent on world domination.
Eye-Witness Accounts:
Matt: “In the CIA, we call it Plausible Deniability instead of Blackout Drunk.”
Brian: “And when I’m not in country, I call it a normal Tuesday night.”

"We can serve you an Codename: Hush Hush, but then we’d have to kill you.”

Codename: Hush Hush
Status: Abandoned
Result: Drunken Failure
Report: Debriefing

In the early 2000’s, a Top Secret mission was launched by a clandestine international alcohol consortium to secure new trading rights in foreign lands. Two operatives, both highly-trained and highly-committable individuals, were tasked as point men, leading the mission’s insertion wing. Their Mission: assess a target’s alcohol reserves and consumption abilities; relay the intelligence back to command; and come in from the cold once the target was incapacitated under a table. For two months, the operatives were ruthless, efficient and won a string of drinking contests, but then contact was lost. Their whereabouts remain unknown. An official inquiry was inconclusive. Their last  transmissions are reprinted below.

03/03/2004 - 1222 hours, Phone call originating from San Diego, CA

HQ: “Hello, this is Mother.”
Operative 1: “Hello Mother, this is your son. I’m going to be late for DINNER.”
HQ: “I don’t understand. Satellites show you’re with the target.”
Operative 2: (background) “John! Another round for everyone!”
Operative 1: “What do you care? When have you EVER cared?!”
HQ: “Is this line secure?”
Operative 1: “I’m going to tell you a secret I should have told you years ago…”
Operative 2: (background) “Sure I’ll kiss your baby, ma’am.”
Operative 1: “You always loved Agent Rutlidge more! I’m sick and tired of getting his hand-me-down spy gear!”
HQ: “But you always liked that black turtle neck.”
Operative 1: “I want to talk to Father. I know he’s there. He’s ALWAYS THERE.”
Operative 2: (background) “John! Another round for everyone! This one’s on the Kremlin!”
HQ: “Is this line secure?”
Operative 1: “Don’t you trust me? Why don’t you trust me?!”
HQ: “Is this line secure?”
Operative 1: “Ugh, YES! Unlike some people, John doesn’t listen to all of my phone calls!”
HQ: “This call is terminated.”

03/03/2004 - 1236 hours, Phone call originating from Tijuana, Mexico

HQ: “Hello, this is Mother.”
Operative 2: (background) “Carlos! Another round for everyone!”
Operative 1: “The black bird flies at midnight.”
HQ: “Repeat transmission.”
Operative 1: “The black bird flies at midnight.”
HQ: “I don’t understand.”
Operative 2: (background) “SPRING BREAK! Carlos! Another round!”

HQ: “Repeat transmission.”
Operative 1: [snickering] “The black bird flies up your midnight black [inaudible].”
Operative 2: (background) “Ooh! A donkey show! I’ve only seen these in movies!”
HQ: “This call is terminated.”

Party Tip: DO NOT serve at high class galas attended by billionaires, visiting dignitaries and megalomaniacal geniuses bent on world domination.

Eye-Witness Accounts:

Matt: “In the CIA, we call it Plausible Deniability instead of Blackout Drunk.”

Brian: “And when I’m not in country, I call it a normal Tuesday night.”

11-31-Codename-Hush-Hush.jpg

  1. lawlspy reblogged this from yearundertheinfluence and added:
    teehee
  2. yearundertheinfluence posted this